Self Discovery
by DaelHorhota
Summary: Sirius and Remus' relationship is jeopardized as they come to terms with their sexuality.


It was far past curfew when Sirius reentered the Gryffindor common room, though he hardly noticed how late it was. He briefly considered going up to his dorm, however he didn't entertain the thought very long. The whole point of his midnight walk to clear his head; going in there would bring it all rushing back to him. Sirius decided his only option was to sleep in the common room. He curled up on the sofa in the farthest corner and clenched his eyes shut, hoping it would make the images go away.

Remus was worried. It was nearly dawn and Sirius hadn't returned yet. _I'm such an idiot. I shouldn't have done that to him, and I certainly shouldn't have let him go out on his own._ He peered over to James' and Peter's beds, to see if they were asleep, however the curtains were drawn tightly. Sighing quietly, he tiptoed out of his own bed and down the stairs to the common room.

Sirius opened his eyes, hearing something. "Who's there?" he whispered, to no reply. He squinted, trying to make out a shape in the darkness. There was a slight glimmer, a reflection on someone's eye, perhaps. "Lumos," he whispered as he lifted his wand. The figure quickly darted back behind a bookshelf. Sirius stood suddenly. "Who are you?" he asked, more loudly this time. The figure slowly turned from his hiding spot. "It's just me," Remus said, his voice thick with either sleep, remorse, or both. "I wanted to make sure you made it back alright,"

_I shouldn't have come down here, I should have let him have his space. God I can be such a bloody git. _Remus silently beat himself up. "Sirius, I- I'm sorry. For what I did earlier. I shouldn't have, and if I could go back-" he let the sentence trail off. He wasn't sure if he would rectify the situation, or if he would be just as selfish as he was the first time. "Remus- " Sirius sighed. Perhaps it was all he could manage. He took a step forward, but something stopped him. A moment passed where the pair were silent. It wasn't easy, carefree, not like before the incident. This silence was pressing down on them. Each second that passed was a second wasted. "Look, Sirius, go up to the dorm," Remus pleaded, if only to break the wall of silence between them. "If anyone should be sleeping on the couch it's me." Remus beckoned towards the stairs, but Sirius didn't move.

Sirius stared at Remus, taking in the sorrow in his eyes, the way he couldn't make eye contact, the way he shuffled his feet as he tried to explain himself. Regardless of everything that had passed, Remus was still the same person as before. He was still the shy little boy Sirius had met on the train to Hogwarts all those years ago. He was still a Marauder, though without a doubt the most nervous of the four. He was still looking out for Sirius, despite what came between them. He was still Moony, he was still Padfoot's best friend. Suddenly Sirius realized he shouldn't have spent that walk trying to erase his memory, but rather to understand it. 

_"Sirius," Remus said, catching his friend's attention. "Could I talk to you a minute?" Sirus offered a quick goodbye as he broke off from James and Peter. "Of course," he said, grabbing Remus over the shoulder, and walking in a slightly awkward but not unpleasant half-hug. Remus blushed mildly; Sirius had been noticing that as of late Remus hadn't taken well to physical contact. "Shit," Sirius thought, carefully removing his arm in what he hoped appeared as a nonchalant fashion. "What can I help you with, good friend?" he asked, hoping to keep the mood light. He had a feeling whatever Remus wanted to tell him, wasn't going to be good. "I was actually wondering if I could talk to you somewhere a bit more, uhm, p-private." Remus stuttered over his words, which was quite uncommon for him. While he was undoubtedly the least outgoing of the Marauders, he never stammered around Sirius. At least, not anymore... or not as bad as he had during their first year. _

_"All right, let's head up to the common room," Sirius suggested. Remus shook his head, but offered no alternative. "The astronomy tower? There isn't a class up there for the rest of the day," Sirius said. Remus pondered this a moment, and agreed. They climbed to the top of the tower, and sat on a windowsill overlooking the grounds._

_The pair were silent for the first few minutes, however it wasn't awkward; on the contrary it was rather comfortable. Sirius felt no need to rush Remus, and in return Remus felt no need to be rushed. They could sit in silence forever, until of course James were to come looking for them with another scheme planned. "Sirius, do you remember when I told you I'm a werewolf?" Remus asked, breaking the silence. Sirius pretended to be shocked, "You're a what?" he gasped overdramatically. Remus punched him in the shoulder, but smiled from ear to ear. Sirius was relieved to see that his friend could finally relax. "I've got, um, something else to tell you. A confession, rather." The smile didn't last long, it was obvious whatever he wanted to tell Sirius was eating him up. No more stalling, no more jokes. "What is it, friend. You know you can tell me anything," Sirius said. He thought about resting his hand on Remus' shoulder, but remembered how he'd reacted earlier. Suddenly, as physical contact was no longer an option, Sirius missed it._

_"I, well, ah. Where to begin," Remus stammered quietly. "I had this all planned out in my mind, several weeks ago. Now all that's just gone," he laughed nervously, waving his hand in a wispy movement. "Remus, take your time," Sirius said. "You don't have to tell me if you're not ready." Back when he told the lot he was a werewolf, he felt rather pressured, and it didn't end well. Sirius didn't want him to do anything he wasn't comfortable with. "No, no. If I don't tell you now, I'll never have the nerve too," Remus said. "Alright, here goes. As you may or may not have noticed, I've never had a girlfriend." Sirius chuckled, suddenly relieved. "Is that what this is about? Look, whoever she is, just ask her. Who could turn down a lovely lad like you?" Remus stared at him for a moment, seemingly pondering what he'd said. "Uhm, not exactly. I don't really fancy anyone. Well, I don't fancy a girl. You see, I- the person who I really fancy is, well-" he broke off for a moment, and looked straight into Sirius' eyes "-you"._

_Remus immediately looked down, with a look of shock and terror on his face, as though we was surprised at what he'd just said. Sirius had no idea what to do, what to say. Slowly, little hints began to fall into place. Remus had never had a girlfriend, never talked about any girls he fancied, was never distracted when Lucy Penningdale- a cute Hufflepuff with an amazing rack- skipped by their table. Remus blushed when he was around Sirius, stammered when someone asked him a personal question, avoided physical contact with anyone. Remus Lupin was gay. Remus Lupin fancied blokes. Remus Lupin, best friend of one Sirius Black, just so happened to fancy Sirius Black._

_"M-Moony," Sirius finally stammered. Lupin had curled into a ball at this point, and was staring intently at his shoelaces. "Moony," he repeated, in a cooing voice. He placed his arm around his friend, pulling him into an awkward embrace. Remus curled tighter, and pulled away. "Come on now, love," Sirius said, lifting him up into a proper hug. "I don't know what to make of this, y'know, bit about fancying me," Sirius started, unsure of where exactly he was going with it, "but we can still be mates, yeah? And just because you're, well, you're a poof," he laughed, ruffling Remus' hair lightly, "that doesn't mean I think of you any differently. Just like when you said you're a werewolf. You're still good old Remus Lupin, right?" _

_Sirius looked down to his friend, to notice his face was wet with tears. "Oh, aw shit, Moony, come now don't cry," Sirius pleaded, lifting Remus' face gently. Remus looked up at him, not with sadness but a smile. "Th-thanks," Remus said, his voice thick with tears. "Hey, what are friends for?" Sirius asked. Then Remus did something that would change the future of their relationship forever. He reached up, held the side of Sirius' face, and pulled him in for a kiss._

_Sirius pulled away quickly, shocked and confused as to what had just happened. "Oh my God, I- I'm sorry," Remus stammered quickly, "I didn't even- I don't know why- It just sort of-" he couldn't seem to decide on what to say. "You'd better be fucking sorry," Sirius spat, letting go of Remus and exiting the tower quickly. "Sirius, wait!" Remus called as he chased him down the stairs. Sirius was quicker though, and managed to turn several corners before Remus could catch up with him. He found the nearest lavatory, and was sick in the stall closest to the door._

_The sun was already beginning to set when they exited the Astronomy tower, so Sirius figured he didn't have long before curfew. Frankly, he didn't care. He sat in the lavatory, thinking about what had happened between him and Remus. "Stupid fucking idiot! I can't believe you'd do something so horrible!" He wasn't sure if he was talking to Remus, or himself. He walked over to a sink, and stared in the mirror. He looked deep into his coal-black eyes. How on earth did all the girls find them so attractive? Eyes are supposed to be a window to the soul, and his were completely flat. "Fuck you," he whispered to his reflection. "Fuck you! Fuck you fuck you fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou!" he repeated, getting louder and louder until eventually was screaming. _

_Sirius collapsed under the sink, banging the back of his head repeatedly against the rim. "How could I say that to him? After he completely opened up to me and told me his darkest secret. Darker than being a motherfucking werewolf. He's my best friend, and I crushed him." Sirius whispered to himself, his voice cracking under the strain of tears. He stayed like that, crying under the sink, until he was able to convince himself this was all just a bad dream._

"Remus," Sirius said again, cutting off his friend's sentence. "Remus, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that to you and I shouldn't have left." He walked closer to his friend, and with each word he could feel their friendship rebuilding. At least, he hoped so. "I was just so- you caught me off guard is all," he hung his head in shame. "No, that's no excuse." Sirius looked up again, right into Remus' eyes. The eye's that only a few hours ago were crying on his shoulder. "I've done a lot of thinking, you see, and I think I realize why I ran." He stepped closer still to Remus. Now there was less than a meter between them. "I wasn't running away from you, I was running away from me. Running away from what you made me realize about myself." Remus fidgeted once more, "What might that be?" Sirius finally closed the gap between the two of them. "I might just fancy you too," he replied, and this time it was Sirius who initiated the kiss.


End file.
